“If you don’t get me out of here I’m going to have this baby on the floor. And I can’t guarantee what color it’ll be.”

“If I’m naughty, why do YOU look guilty?”

“I’ve just been talking to the ghost of my mistress Frances. She says you do a good job taking care of me.”

“You look at me again without coffee, I’ll tear your nipple off.”

“Can you take my kids before that lady steals them?”

“I’m the only sane one here and I’m nuts.”

“Are you here for my soul or just my pants?”

“My revenge will be like a horse and buggy, annoying in traffic.”

“I was birthed on an English ship under a mountain. I’m trying to find my way back to that ship.”

“You smell like owls.”

“She went south for the winter with the rest of the birds. When the river curves she’ll be back.”

“It’s nice to see that someone has guts enough to make me feel listened to. You’re not an asshole today.”

“What’s with that reindeer burning all my turnips in the farnimal patch?”

“Can I kiss you so that I can see if I’m still alive?”

“I’m really glad you’re here, because I can’t hug you when you’re not.”

“They only locked me in here because I farted.”

“You have a face that deserves its own breakfast cereal.”

“Could you push me down the road and love me the way I am?”

“He’s a fine gentleman, but he stole my nose.”