Nurse: Happy hump day, Love.
Patient: Oh yeah, who are we humping?
Author: Amy Moloney
Bad Omen
“I’m watching your ears wiggle, if your right foot claps, it’s a bad omen.”
Worker Bees
“Don’t let your worker bees lose their spots.”
Time Machine
Nurse: A lot has changed since you were young. Did you ever think people would be stuck to phones they carry in their pockets?
100 year old Patient: No, I guess I would like a time machine to tell you all to get a life.
Nurse: You need a time machine for that?
Patient: I need one to prove how stupid this conversation is.
Say My Name
Nurse: Say my name.
Patient: Squirrel Dog
Information
“You better get off your ass because that’s where the information is coming from.”
Sandman Poetry
“I’m listening to the sandman across the moon. He told me you ran away too soon.”
Rain Ditch
“You need a hard bodied young man to stick you in a rainy ditch somewhere.”
Mushroom
“Did you see the giant mushroom that attacked my car?”
Dehydration
“What are you doing to intimately dehydrate me before dinner?”
Heart Failure
“Go ahead lady, take another swig of that heart failure on ice.”
Blouse
“Can I look down your blouse to make my belly feel better?”
Parrot
“I’m going to hire a parrot to squirt on your glasses.”
Periodicals
“How did you get your periodicals so small?”
Beer Run
“I’d like to make a call to whatever airline is making beer runs.”
Zip Zap
“I just want something to make my heart go zip-zap-how-bout-that.”
Slugs
“We go together like slugs in the night.”
Row Your Boat
Patient: “You look like you swim a gay ocean. Do you row your boat in that sea?”
Nurse: “No Sir, I seem to always end up rowing on the Dead Sea.”
Summer Hole
“You guys have really gone up my summer hole.”
Columbo
“Will you pull all that shit out of your Columbo touting mouth?”
