Nurse: Happy hump day, Love.
Patient: Oh yeah, who are we humping?
Nurse: A lot has changed since you were young. Did you ever think people would be stuck to phones they carry in their pockets?
100 year old Patient: No, I guess I would like a time machine to tell you all to get a life.
Nurse: You need a time machine for that?
Patient: I need one to prove how stupid this conversation is.
Nurse: Say my name.
Patient: Squirrel Dog
Patient: Did that smile get you married or divorced?
Patient: “What would you do if Jesus came down and asked you to have 4 babies for him?”
Nurse: “I’d tell him I’m not his girl.”
Patient: “That’s not the right answer. I’m going to run over your kids with this cheeseburger.”
Patient: I have 6 toes.
Nurse: I have 10.
Patient: Can they take you long distance?
Nurse: They brought me here.
Nurse: Are you hungry?
Patient: Yes. (holding my hand, he pulls it into his mouth)
Nurse: You can’t eat me!
Patient: Why not, I’m hungry.
Me: Preforming Suspicious Minds and dancing for a hallway full of patients.
Patient: “Baby Cakes, you are full of some kind of fizzy juice and wiggle squirts.”
“I’m not an atheist. I come back when I’m gone.”
Patient 1: Is that a strange witch?
Patient 2: She never came back. I didn’t see a hat.
Patient 1: Because that old man’s been coaxed.
Patient 2: That’s terrible. I should warn him.
Patient 1: Little man in Spokane, has a rich man, that never wanted to lose control over his sweet fella.
Patient 2: Spokane has good food.
Patient 1: Well, he’s somewhere in those woods and he gave me a pen.
Nurse out loud: Did David Lynch write that conversation?
Patient 1: I don’t think I can hold this old man any longer, he is crazier than the holy-cast man.
Patient 2: Holy shit, can I work it, man?
Nurse: “Do you have a pacemaker?”
Patient: “No, but I do have a cell phone.”
“I don’t know about this bed. I can’t fit anyone else in it, especially the fire department.”
Patient: “You are full of love.”
Nurse: “It’s true. I named my fat Love. So my belly is filled with Love. Love flows from my arms when I wave. I’m basically cocooned in Love.”
Patient: “You must be the smartest most loved woman I’ve ever known.”
Patient: “It’s a good day to kill worms.”
Nurse: “Well, the sun is shining.”
Patient: “I think I’ll use your voice as the weapon. It’s killing me already.”
Patient leans in and whispers, “I’m shopping for a real girl.”
Nurse whispers back, “I’m a real girl.”
A few days ago a resident gave me a small bell tied to a string. She said that I should ring the bell to know what I mean to her.
This is what that bell tells me every time it rings: “I may not remember your name but thank you for being here for me, keeping me safe. I may not know exactly what you do for me but I do know that when I see you I smile and I laugh. You may fade from my thoughts when you walk away but you are always in my heart guiding me to experience joy in my every day. And when you leave here after a long shift feeling as though you may never recover from the exhaustion of being a nurse, ring this bell and know that you made a difference in one life today.”
I keep this tiny bell on a string in my car so that every time I leave the office I am reminded of making a difference in at least one life every day.
Patient 1: “What’s the matter with him?”
Patient 2: “I think the weather’s just fine.”
Patient 1: “Shouldn’t rain until his wibblies get to wiggling again.”
Nurse: “I’m glad you’re my friend.”
Patient: “I’m glad you decided to eat glue.”
Patient: “How much money do you have?”
Nurse: “About five cents.”
Patient: “If you had seven cents I’d marry you.”
Nurse: “The story of my life, always two cents shy.”