“You’re as crazy as an otter wearing britches.”
“You’re as crazy as an otter wearing britches.”
“You’re as crazy as an otter wearing britches.”
“Why are you whispering at me like the queen of secrets?”
“Did you gargle with misery this morning?”
This is a conversation I had with a resident just last night. It isn’t a funny one. It is one of the sweetest, most profound conversations I have had with anyone. It was what I call a round conversation. Meaning that it looped and repeated many times, as is typical for a conversation with Alzheimer’s. Even though this conversation repeated itself over and over in varying sequences it remained fairly cohesive, which doesn’t often happen. I am posting the basic conversation, not the many loops.
The other reason this conversation was so profound is that it was outright religion themed. Which is something that I am very careful to keep vague when speaking with patients. This conversation, however, became very deep without me even realizing it. I somehow transformed my personal spirituality into hers as a form of therapy.
Patient: “You know, the best time with you is when you smile with your heart. God Almighty gave you that lovely face for me to love.”
Nurse: “God Almighty gave you to me because he knew I’d care for you through your pain.”
Patient: “When you smile I know I have a chance in life.”
Nurse: “Then I have accomplished my goal in life.”
Patient (crying): “Does God love me?”
Nurse: “With all his heart”
Patient: “I love you for being the face of God this morning. Will you teach me a new prayer?”
Nurse: “I think you should teach me your favorite prayer.”
Patient: “Did I do something wrong to make him make me so confused? Why does it hurt so much?”
Nurse: “You did nothing wrong. Sometimes being subject to the human condition can’t be helped. It’s part of being alive. How about you teach me that prayer.”
Patient: “I think your name is my prayer today. By the way, what is your name?”
“I tasted that [fart].”
“I’m glad I didn’t have any.”
Patient 1- “That nurse has a lot of tattoos, what kind of girl you think she is?”
Patient 2- “An exciting one.”
Nurse: “I sure am.”
“Don’t tell everyone I have sex grounds.”
Patient- “Don’t tell her where the wiggle went. She’s already got it.”
Nurse- “I’ve been practicing my wiggle.”
Patient– “You took it all the way to Massachusetts.”
“I didn’t know you were behind the do-funny.”
Patient: “I think I have sexabetes.”
Nurse: “Would you like penicillin or insulin for that?”
“If you don’t get me out of here I’m going to have this baby on the floor. And I can’t guarantee what color it’ll be.”
“If I’m naughty, why do YOU look guilty?”
“I’ve just been talking to the ghost of my mistress Frances. She says you do a good job taking care of me.”
“You look at me again without coffee, I’ll tear your nipple off.”
“Can you take my kids before that lady steals them?”
“I’m the only sane one here and I’m nuts.”
“Are you here for my soul or just my pants?”
“My revenge will be like a horse and buggy, annoying in traffic.”
“I was birthed on an English ship under a mountain. I’m trying to find my way back to that ship.”
“You smell like owls.”